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I used to feel invisible. It often seemed like people only noticed me when they wanted something from me, and they ignored me or disappeared when I had a need or want of my own?
This is a really painful, lonely, difficult place to be.
I was raised in a loving family, but for some reason always felt that my role was to meet the needs of the rest of the group. As a child, I often felt ignored or “less than”, so the only way to get noticed and receive positive attention was to suppress my needs and focus on those of others.
Once I became an adult, I was still looking for love and approval by giving to and taking care of, others, as I learned to do when I was small.
Since I was raised to be a caretaker of others, I wasn’t taught to also take care of myself. The unspoken bargain, what I hoped would happen, was that if I were there for people, they’d be there for me.
Unfortunately, it seldom worked that way!
Taking care of others is a good thing. It’s wonderful to be giving, supportive and compassionate to people. The thing I didn’t learn is that I also need to give these wonderful things to myself.
As a result, I felt invisible.
Once I realized what was going on, I looked at why people didn’t give me the same consideration and support that I gave them. I was surprised to see that I was unconsciously treating myself disrespectfully, and modeled this behavior for others. Without realizing it I was teaching people how to treat me.
The good news is that I am now I’m an adult, I have the power to make things different. Even though I was taught to disregard my wants and needs so I could focus on others, I can now change that early patterning, and begin treating myself with the respect I deserve.
I was excited to think about what it would be like if I stopped ignoring myself and started occasionally putting my needs first. Setting boundaries around behaviors I will and will not accept from others.
Some things I did to turn things around are:
• Look inside myself and begin acknowledging my feelings, wants and needs. Tell myself that what I feel is as important as what others feel, and act accordingly.
• Start speaking up for myself. Once I was aware of my feelings, wants and needs, I Spoke Up and made sure others were aware of them too. If they continued to ignore me or got angry when I did this, I realized it might be a toxic relationship that I needed to re-evaluate.
• Start taking care of myself as well others, and modeling for them how to give to me as well as take from me.
• Stop accepting one-way relationships, where the other person talks about him/herself for hours but doesn’t listen when you begin to speak.
• Give people the opportunity to be there for me. Take a risk, share my thoughts, and encourage others to respond.
When I changed my behavior, most people were happy to see that I was stepping up and being assertive. However, others were angry and confused. With these folks, I patiently demonstrated my boundaries and held them firm, and modeled for others how I expect to be treated. Eventually, people modified the way they treated me, and their respect for me grew as I demonstrated my own self-respect.
Unfortunately, there were some people who just wanted to be in a relationship with me because of the way I took care of them, and as I grew stronger, they faded away, which was just fine with me.
What I learned is to always remember that I am a loveable, valuable, capable, competent person, and it’s time I, and everyone else, acknowledges this.
I also learned that the bottom line is the key to being visible is to respect myself, take control of my life, and make sure others are aware that I am as important as they are.
In Gratitude from - Goran B Edstrom - PROUD MarketHive Entrepeneur Member ONE.
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