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Do you often find yourself pointing the finger—blaming other people for how you feel or all of the problems in your life? When people try to explain their feelings or situations as being completely caused by outside influences, it’s a big red flag. And it’s a very common phenomenon.
These people may think they’re being thoughtful and getting to the root of their problems, but the opposite is true; this is actually a common form of self-sabotage. Putting the blame on other people and situations can feel comforting in the moment—“It’s not my fault, it’s theirs!” But there is an inherent catch-22 in this mentality: If it’s never your fault, how will you work toward fixing any problem? By constantly painting yourself as a victim, you’re actually choosing powerlessness. And that choice comes with some pretty dire drawbacks.
If it’s never your fault, how will you work toward fixing any problem? By constantly painting yourself as a victim, you’re actually choosing powerlessness.
Negative thoughts, such as those casting blame, can seem to occur without our effort or input—almost as a reflex. These are automatic negative thoughts (ANTs), and when they’re allowed to run rampant, they can lead to serious issues, including anxiety, depression, trauma, and grief. Luckily, these negative thoughts are usually not true. When we are able to create some distance between ourselves and our thoughts—observing them more as an outsider would and questioning them—while also consciously generating more positive thoughts, we can change our entire outlook on life and boost our mental and physical well-being.
Note that fostering more positive thoughts does not equal turning a blind eye to actual issues; that’s unhealthy, too. It’s more important to be realistic, and it’s simply not realistic to believe that nothing—or everything, for that matter—is our fault. Black-and-white thinking in any direction is best avoided, and we’ll talk more about that below.
When people start pointing fingers, the Blaming ANT is, fittingly, the one to blame. This ANT is often fueled by the mental dragons (the stories we tell ourselves that breathe fire on our emotional brains) that make people feel special or entitled, or the Judgmental Dragons, which stimulate harsh criticism aimed toward others. Feelings like self-righteousness and self-pity go hand in hand with these negativity generators. The resulting constant feeling of powerlessness and victimhood then creates additional harmful dragons—namely, the Anxious, and the Hopeless and Helpless, varieties.
Looking at a typical series of thoughts from someone who struggles with blaming others, we see how quickly even a simple situation can spiral downward. First comes the assurance of “This problem is the fault of X” (insert a person, situation, etc.), with the insinuation and belief that the person doing the blaming is not at all responsible. This can lead to other thoughts, such as, “My life would be better if…” or “If only X hadn’t happened….” When this cycle repeats over and over, the “victim” eventually buys into this story of personal helplessness and stops trying altogether: “Nothing ever works out. Why bother?”
To be clear, when we talk about evolving out of the victim mindset, we’re not talking about taking every ounce of blame for everything that happens. The habit of always blaming yourself can be just as dangerous, creating toxic thoughts fueled by a vicious inner critic and adding up to a vision of life that is equally skewed, just at the other extreme. People who fall into this category assume that the emotions or issues of others are always their responsibility—which, of course, simply can’t be true.
In fact, forget the idea of blame completely. The key is to take responsibility, which then ushers in your ability to respond to the situation in an appropriate way. Think of it as two words: response ability. So, whatever is happening, take a moment to look at the situation from a removed perspective and ask: What is my role in creating this problem? What happened that is beyond my control? In other words, what is and isn’t your responsibility?
Of course, sometimes in life, we are victims of circumstance or other people’s harmful actions, and it’s important to acknowledge and work through those feelings—and some events will require more healing than others. But for those who choose a victim mentality, any small inconvenience or challenge becomes evidence of how the world is conspiring against them. It ultimately prevents them from improving their lot in life; they throw up their hands in defeat, instead of finding opportunities in challenges.
No matter how you found yourself with the current problem at hand, try to flip your mindset, switching from victimization to empowerment. Simply ask yourself, “What can I do right now to make this situation better?” Taking a problem-solving approach, as opposed to detouring into self-pity or wallowing, puts you back in control.
When you start to take personal responsibility for your role in life’s problems, you’ll feel a surprising relief. Rather than looking for people and things to blame, you’ll start to shape your own destiny. Keep in mind this will require practice, because the Blaming ANT is persistent. It’s actually the most toxic ANT out there, since it erodes your sense of power and autonomy and seeps into all areas of your life like poison, eroding your mental health over time. It also creates a serious drain on everyone else around you, damaging or even destroying your closest relationships.
To get yourself out of the toxic blaming habit, start paying attention. Note every time you hear yourself saying, “It’s X’s fault that I…” or a similar phrase. Then introduce habits that help enable a better perspective on your problems. Try the following tactics:
